The Onyx Orb

There’s a something that is harbored
under the floor of my being.
I first spotted it some years back.
Finally, I think I understand it.
But this does not mean
in any way
that we have reached an alliance.

 

I try tactics of negotiation.
If you let me go on a date night with my boyfriend

I’ll let you have twelve hours of sleep.

If you let me eat dinner without crying

I won’t eat for a day or two.

If you just let me, for once, enjoy a night of sex

I could find that razor blade. Do you remember it?
The one that we stole from my brother’s toolbox.
The one I hid from you one day when the blood was too much.
I forgot where I left it, but I assure you I
can find it.

 

And just when I think
we have an agreement
everything cracks.
The uncontrollable sobbing begins,
I’m freaked out by the violence in my rib cage
I’m a prisoner of 

a feeling,
a personality,
a persona,
a thing that does not respect any peace or accord.

 

In short lucid occasions
I have seen it
an onyx orb promenading through my chest.
It starts under my toenails
it moves up towards my tights, my stomach
It looks at me while I’m sleeping.
It adores nightmares,
feeds off insomnia.

 

I know myself.
I do.
I’m a creature divided by the thinnest line
Like a malnourished blade.
Rotating between madness and sanity
Desolated smiles
Daunted tears
Utter drunkenness
Packed with pills

 

As I record these words, it hits me the full power of my anxious lines
The something is dreaming right now.
My morning doses are helpful.
I can say
good morning sunshine
and good night
king of the universe.
Nonetheless
This can change at any given moment.
The onyx orb is never asleep
for more than a month.
Time is leaking.
It is reaching out.
Waiting for me to be tired, thoughtlessly happy.
That’s when it comes,
wiping off all my inner borders of control.
I’ll be its again.

 

I’m me now, though.
For now, I’m me.
I know myself and this is me.

 

At least I think I am.